Deeper Than Daddy Issues: Relearning Our Parents in Adulthood
Episode 3 out now, plus a conversation with my Dad
Hey crybaby,
The sun is shining today and there’s a new episode of Cry About It in your podcast feed. Aren’t you the luckiest person in the world? Nthabiseng and I are in agreement that this is our favorite episode so far. And while we’re only three episodes deep, we agree, it’ll be hard to top this one.
Nthabiseng and I give you the run down on our parents (if you’re reading this, Hi Mom!), how they’ve influenced us and how we’re extending them grace and acceptance as we learn one another all over again during this phase of our lives.
It’s candid, it’s personal, it’s raw, it’s (dare we say) funny. Most of all, we hope it helps you feel less alone if you’re having a hard time navigating a relationship with your parents in your 20s.
As always, happy listening!🎧
(P.S. If you like the show, let us know by dropping a comment below or sending us an email at heycryaboutit@gmail.com - or by replying to this email.)
A conversation with my Dad
This weekend, I sat side-by-side with my 61-year-old Dad on our family couch to get his perspective on what parenting my sister and I was like through the years, and what being a father means to him now that we’re both in our early 20s.
What I thought would be a 15-minute conversation turned out to be a 40-minute one, which makes a lot of sense if you know my Dad. As such, this conversation has been edited for clarity and brevity. I hope you enjoy it.
Lauren: Hi, Dad!
Dad: Hello.
How old are you?
61.
And how old am I?
Less than 61. (Laughs)
You've been my dad for the past 23 years. What does being a dad mean to you?
Essentially, it means that you no longer – if you ever did – put yourself at the top of the list of priorities. You have to put your kids first, and your wife, and maybe other family members ahead of you. You have to see that your kids are taken care of, that they don't miss out on anything that they should partake in.
I feel like for women, when we exhibit caring qualities, people say stuff like “You'd be a good mom.” Did people ever say “You'd be a really good dad,” or anything like that? Do you feel like you grew up thinking about being a Dad?
That's not something that we really talked about as guys. We didn't really talk about what would happen later on in life, like having families, getting married, that kind of stuff. We were too busy being in the moment, talking about the things of the day and just kind of living our lives.
Did you dream of being a dad? Did you want a family of your own?
It's not something that I focused on. But then, life takes over. I think that's pretty much where I ended up.
Is there a moment where you remember feeling like you’ve officially raised two adults and that we’re not kids anymore?
I think, as a parent, you see that your children are going through phases. You know they're going through different times in their life, that you've already lived as the parent and now you're seeing it. Before you know it they'll be onto something else. Until you're an adult, you still have needs. Well, you still have emotional needs. You need advice. It just graduates as you get older and then at some point, you may not need anything anymore. You may be fully self-sufficient.
Do you think you're in that phase of life where you don't need anything from your parents?
I think so. I think I’ve been there for a long time. So I try to return what I’ve been given, which of course I could never do. You could never equal what someone has done to raise you. You could never return that favor. But when they do need something, like something done around the house, or they need you to look after their car or take them somewhere, or something like that, it shouldn't be a problem. You just look at the bigger picture. They changed your diaper. They took you to the doctor when you were sick. So, how hard is it to do something for them when they need something? My mother’s got dementia and she’s living with my sister. My father passed away, so my siblings and I have to take care of her now. But, it's not a big deal. She and my father raised four kids. That was much harder.
One most pivotal part of growing up is that I relate to you and Mom differently now than I did when I was a kid, because I have different experiences. We can connect on a deeper level now because I understand some of the things that you both were experiencing that I didn't have the context for when I was a kid.
I feel the same way. When I was a kid, people would say “When you grow up and you have your own kids, then you'll understand what I'm talking about.” So now that I’ve got my own family, I get what they were saying.
Do you have a specific memory of one of those lessons?
If you stay out late at night, your parents are going to be listening in for you to come through the door. They're not going to be sleeping, they're going to be just kind of waiting for you to get back hoping that nothing goes wrong, nothing happens to you.
Growing up, I didn’t realize that. When I was a young person coming home at four o'clock in the morning, I didn’t realize my parents would be waiting, listening to hear that lock click when I walked in the door. Now that I’ve been on that side where I'm the parent, I was the one waiting on you and your sister to get back home like “Whew, Lord, wonderful. Now let me go to bed.” (Laughs)
Despite the dangers in the world, you and Mom never stopped or discouraged us from living or having experiences that pushed us to grow. That was really refreshing because a lot of my friends didn't have parents like that.
We tried to arm you with the information and just hope that you thought it sounded like good advice. Advice that was probably best to be listened to, and not to be questioned or reasoned away.
Do you have any goals for us as your children? Things that you hope we get to experience?
The next big thing is getting your career progression going. I don’t want you to work forever. I don’t want you to just work and have no life. I want you to be able to have the type of income that allows you to take off when you want to go somewhere. That you have the money to go wherever you want to go, when you want to go. Not everybody has that ability.
Any notes on fatherhood or parenting that you want to wrap up on?
It’s all about setting your kids up for success. Have a look at the people that you went to school with. They're not all going to be successful. They don’t all have the best parents. They may not have a good home life.
I'd like to think most parents are trying their best. Whatever that looks like. It may not look the same for everybody.
Not all parents make the best decisions.
I feel like, in terms of decision making, it's not so much of a binary as it is a spectrum. Like you may think you made a decision that doesn't really have any effect on your kid, but it might have a drastically negative effect on your kid. You might think you're being a good parent, but what your kid needs from you, you're not providing. Right?
In that sense, nobody's perfect. A realistic person has to say to themselves “I could have done better.” You shouldn't really celebrate the things that you've done right, because that takes care of itself. It's things that you don’t do right that present problems.
Do you think reflecting on your shortcomings can help make you a better parent and person?
Yeah, absolutely. Realizing that no one is perfect, but everyone has the opportunity to improve themselves. I rub shoulders with people in my age group and I see something in them that I'm trying not to do myself, and that's thinking I know everything. Thinking I'm right about everything just because I've been around so long. I tell my coworkers, “I know you think you're right, but you should always leave a little room to be wrong so you don't look like a fool.” Even when you think you're a hundred percent right, know you can still be a hundred percent wrong.
When I dropped out of college, I put a lot of thought into it. I weighed the pros and the cons and I made the decision to leave school because I thought I was wasting my time and wasting my parents' money. Well, I made the wrong decision, but at the time I thought I was making the right decision.
Yeah.
If I would have known then what I know now, I would have made a better decision. But you only have that advantage in hindsight. So, I learned from that experience. And now, I leave a little bit of room to be wrong, even when I think I’m right.
Up next: Nthabiseng & I tackle what it’s like to feel uncertain about your chosen life path. Leave us a voicemail to be featured in the podcast!